Please tell me who am I supposed to be?

Life brings us a handful or more of mistakes that take our joy away on clouds of sentiment.  As a young child we are told “no” A LOT because we are curious and want to touch everything!  Yet, how do we understand what NO means?  Well, the action that comes with the word “no” strengthens the meaning, right?

I looked in the mirror today and spoke…“please, tell me who am I supposed to be“.  I walk around in this world fighting with the thoughts that float around like little song notes and hold true to the tone that alters my mood and causes so many different emotions.  Like when you hear an old song, maybe your daddy or momma turned the radio on and dance with you.  My father loved music and I think that is why I crave still today a certain stream of melody it just makes my soul complete.  All these little things in our life that build us to be the person we are will carry over into the way we handle our business.  So, back to figuring out just who am I supposed to be?  I think that is the question many of us mull over in our forever rambling brains, but I think the question should be changed a bit as we grow to, “please, help me become the person I want to be!” 

I did not always want to help people but for some reason I have this heart that aches to help others and no matter the place or situation I will reach out if I can.  I started playing video games with my kids and it now has become a form of release and I enjoy gaming.  The gaming industry has grown so much, and it has their own social networking in which I have met a lot of different people while playing video games.  On a few occasions my counselor hat has come out and I’ve offered support and advice to many, however, for one individual I talked with him on a regular basis about his struggles with addiction and OCD.  I did my best with what I had, and I failed.  I was contacted by his mother of his recent passing, he took his own life.  Even though I did not have a face to face conversation with this young man we spent many hours online playing video games and sharing.  Should my reaction be any less just because the relationship was only verbal?  There are so many people feeling lost and alone, looking in the mirror saying. “please, who do you want me to be, just tell me.” Because until I figure this stuff out, I’ll still be stuck in this outer layer of membrane that incase the pain deep within. The sorrow is real, but I’ve come to some conclusion about this very unique type of emotion.  What really is sorrow?  Loss of control possibly?  I had no control over the choices that individual made, and even though we talked and shared did I really have any influence?  No matter the answers to any of my forever questions I cannot allow this one moment to create a sorrow that might change my heart, right?

So, how do I tell my heart to not feel?  And, how do I adjust my heart to my own feelings about myself?  Do I distract my self with helping others to keep from thinking about the things I need to fix within myself?  Have I become a co-dependent individual seeking out lost and lonely people to lend a hand because I don’t know how to answer the rambling in my head?  What am I truly running from?  Well let me tell you one thing I run from and that is reality, in its cold hard truth that crystallizes in your throat constricting your breath even as you cough and sputter to the surface.  I want to look in the mirror and say with pride and authority “I help others, help their self because I am strong in my own world.”  Now I just need to figure out how to build the strong confidence because hoping it into existence has never worked for me.

Even though I feel weak and sometimes defeated God gave me a promise in the word; “But they that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.  They shall mount up on wings as eagles.” [Isiah 40:31]

When I read these words, I see that my strength is found in the one who loves me for who I am, not who I think I need to be and when I come into agreement with His word it is then that I will find strength!  Lord, I want my wings to be the eagle because I accept your renewing strength as I wait upon You! Thank you, Father, for calling me daughter and loving me as I am. I will never stop looking in the mirror and wondering who is that woman staring back but I know that she is precious in the eyes of God!

“The Lord God is my strength, my bravery. He will walk me through places of trouble and suffering.”  [Habakkuk 3:19].

I can remain lost in my tortured state of mind or turn the reins over to the only one that can make sense of it all, God, and walk from that point in confidence found by His love, mercy, grace and reassurance because I will never be enough on my own and I receive this truth with open arms.

Today I am sad that a person I cared about found life so overwhelming he took a handful of pills and swallowed his life and all the pain as a final stand, the only one he felt would make a difference.  Peace to you my friend and you did touch my life in the time we shared together. I will miss you.

Spiritual journey

Every day I try to barricade the crazy thoughts whipping in and out of my brain by focusing on my inner voice of reason and contentment.  Today I was reading through a devotional that got me thinking.

“not by works”

these 3 little words got me thinking about my own personal relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (Trinity).  No matter what I do or how much “I” contribute nothing matters if I am not doing these things for the right reason.  I cannot contribute to the cleansing of my sin (just do my best to not sin continuously) because Jesus “according” to His mercy, washed me and made me clean!  How amazing, right!  So if our father never attempts anything halfway, he is all in or nothing at all–I need to accept that he pours out onto me an abundance of His spirit.

So now with those thoughts in my mind, I ask myself… Why do I not feel His abundance pouring through my veins?  What Lord do I need to change or do in order to receive the abundance YOU so freely give?!

Titus 3:4-6. When the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior.

Every day should have time put aside for the things that are meaningful in our life, and my relationship with God is at the top but yet I still forget to converse with Him daily.  Lord, I am changing thank you for tolerating my human characteristics which I am working on every day.  

the MASK

in an effort to feel better I have an array of facial masks.

Painters mask windows to keep the paint from covering the glass well I mask my pain with a smile or empty gaze.  Why wouldn’t people want the paint on the glass, make it harder for people to see in or you to look out.  Afterall the world is scary and deceitful, full of ugly people with ravenous appetites.  So in my journey to find comfort the path has led me to dangerous addictions because I wear a mask to hide my true feelings.  So, the latest addiction is food.  I am obsessed with food, right now I pride myself in fasting but it hurts sometimes because I love food.  Even though I enjoy this new control I have over myself, I feel empty and that is not a good feeling.  We all have a void that we stuff with whatever helps us feel Okay for a little bit but these days I’m working on being okay with the void (if that makes sense).  I start my day off with pep talks, or rants about how every day is a new day–a new start but then the feelings resemble yesterday and I’m back to another repeat and rinse kind of day, which sucks.  The bible states in Psalms 46:1-3; God is our refuge and strength an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea though the waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.  I’m like YA!  God’s got this he is my strength and refuge and can carry me through the storm but each day I struggle makes me feel weak and ready to just give up.  However, today I noticed that my portions are smaller, I feel better (when I’m not obsessing over food), and even though the struggle is real I’m finding it easier to say NO.  I haven’t had any soda in like 3 weeks, no chips or sweets, and my food choices are leaning in the right direction.  I also recently started thinking about meditation, and finding the power to put aside some time for clearing of the mind.  The brain is mystical and needs to be used, meditation that is mindful helps to build resilience needed to manage down time.  My goal is to let go of my ego, detach from food, reconstruct my intentions and motivations, regulate my attentions with spiritual thoughts, change behaviors by evaluating habits, thoughts, ideas that are worldly harmful, regulate my emotions, analyze my pro-social behavior, and be empathetic for others by lending a hand.

This journey to find myself and what makes me tick has begun by removing mask(s), like peeling away the layers to find my true core.  This process has brought me to my food issues and why I have over the years never been able to shed the unwanted fat, the unwanted possibility of sickness, and the unwanted lack of control I seem to have over what I put into my body.  How did it come to this?  Now, I begin the process of finding within me the strength to change or overhaul my inner being to make different choices.  So does that mean I need to be mindful of people, places, and things?  Heck ya!  But for right now I need to look in the mirror each day and be happy with what I see.

Reflection

Reflection in the looking glass shines a mystic blue haze
of emptiness seen for days, now.
Can’t shake the glare, staring straight through my invited hell,
scorching hatred penetrating tissue.
Glass shatters, pieces spun out as broken mirror shards
sit beside me on the cold hard floor.
Airstream whispers “he’ll never know” or care to understand
the depth of this naked reality.
Eyes seep tears, blood shot-blackened from the beat down.
An internal strangulation
has commenced compensating
the fear of silence.
Anguish put aside, dance with me tonight
sing a song of schizophrenic tonality.
The melody strummed pleading please stay, not strings, now.
Steel knife blade, enticing freak who can suck you up deep
into a mind raped by thoughts of being used up tossed up…
just another catastrophic brain twister…
Please release me before I fall, release me before its to late to catch me.
I can’t handle this downward spiral… I’m still falling
Saturated by the temptation to pick up the shattered piece of looking glass and
sever the vein in the right direction…
Anything to put a stop to the rising concrete floor. Later.

searching…

[enter your keywords here]

I work with people who find their way along a purpose-driven path through choices individually made.  my job includes teaching about the effects of substance abuse even though many feel they do not have a problem their choices will speak otherwise.  as I read through many journals, books, and research to help find different interventions that might just touch the heart of at least one or two stuck in my cubical for at the minimum of 3 months I’ve dealt with a lot of self-discovery.  When it comes to helping others you first have to be in tune with your “self”, all those little character flaws that can flare up or be triggered.  The human nature is to always be searching for something.. but what?  How can I help someone else when I cannot even deal with my own demons that rage in my gray matter called a brain?  So while fighting the devil inside, I do my best to hide the reflected insecurities that just might keep me from being sturdy for long enough to smile and help another human.  I’m still getting comfortable in my own skin and doing my best to gather all my needed potential to reach out and help someone else.  As I have written before I believe in God and rely on my spirituality to help me through the tough times.

As I search for comfort, I have found scary addictions in an effort to mask and relieve pain.  But today I have begun to find a new measure, my faith in a higher power is my constant and steady comforter.  Relying on the inner beauty of having a strength within to help me crawl from the ugliness I’ve created by searching for the unknown, I am now learning how to dig my way out of the turmoil self-inflicted.

so tonight I draw upon this new epiphany; we are all searching and some of us get it right before falling into false hope and that is great.  However, if you find yourself being deceived by your own searching tools it’s okay because we all fall prey to our own understanding at times and it’s never too late to change search engines!

Being a Counselor

Psalms 15:22

“Without counsel purposes are disappointed:
but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.”

At an early age I began a relationship with Christ, started memorizing scripture and receiving my little ribbons.  Today, I seek to help others as I was taught to do in Sunday school, and here I am on my journey to become a Professional Counselor.  So when reading this scripture, I just had to take a minute and thank God for all that He has done and continues to do in my life.  Honestly we all are counselors under the watchful eye of God, as Jesus came to bring us salvation.  He came and died so that our sin’s would be washed away.  His time on earth was our new example of how we were to live.  So, getting back to the scripture.  I want to make my father proud and be one of the multitude of counsellors that is willing to establish the purpose of Christ to those who want to learn.  However, I must also as a professional counselor abide by my ethical and legal obligation to my client(s) when it comes to openly sharing about faith.  Sometimes this is hard but Jesus never tried to force feed his beliefs on anyone unless they wanted to hear about God the Father of the universe, so why should I? I want to follow the path of Christ who was humble, gracious, loving, giving, righteous, and patient.  I’m sure there are many more words to describe Him!

The other day I was meditating and a verse came to my mind.

1 Corinthians 13:6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.

and I began to wonder, “do I influence the people in my life that I love, to do what is right”?  Do my actions proclaim signs that Jesus dwells in my heart, or are my actions the truth of who I am?  I want my thoughts to be aligned with my actions so the whole world can see a woman before them that is different from the “norm” and want what I have in side my heart.

I mean, I go to church read my bible, I’m kind and giving so I should be good, right?  Well sometimes I feel like there is something missing, like I could be doing more but I just don’t know what.  So when I start to look at those hard questions I hear, “seek My face all of the time, not just when its planned and convenient for you.”  WOW, now I think we are getting someplace right.  So lately this has been my strategy to seek God more, not just on church night, or when the time is right but everyday.  I need to bind myself to Jesus, be more like him, love like him, connect with the Father like him.

Overall, I do not want to get comfortable!

 

update on the diet plan =)

so it has been 2 weeks since the light bulb went off and has unexpectedly stayed on for well now 2 weeks and the drum roll…..

I have lost 10 pounds!

Yes, this is a great leap from my normal attempt at eating better, watching calories, and managing my internal struggle to just change the thoughts in my mind.  I tell you what concentration is a real pain in the butt.

“You only lose what you cling to” BUDDHA

So when I read the quote above I see that in the past I have clung to the possibility and in the end, I lost my identity because in order to be more productive I need to move past the possibility and into the actual doing of something.

At work I was telling my group it’s important to focus on the things you hope to achieve, for example in recovery there is a process; admitting there is a problem, omitting the faulty beliefs, ideas, thoughts, changing things to accommodate your newfound sobriety, and then working a program on a constant.  Well, in life when you are trying to change a faulty behavior, in my opinion, it mimics recovery and you can see it as recovering from things in your life that have grown to cause you issues!  My eating habits have brought me to the person I see in the mirror now and honestly, I do not really like her, I actually have a lot of anger, shame, fear, because now that I truly see her I need to begin the process of figuring out how to change her starting on the inside.  Beginning the work on the inside will help me to bring true change that will then be seen on the outside.

So, goals are to work on my attitude that has brought about many years of just not caring about “me” enough to take the time and work through issues that have followed me around and created too much belly fat.  Stop fearing the failure before it happens is another barrier to my accomplishments, so now, I need to reconstruct my gray matter sensibility that murmurs, “you deserve this, you can start tomorrow”.  So now my plan is to surround myself with all my likes and concentrate on being active in everything and constructing an excise goal soon but right now I know I’m being complacent and trying to develop these new actions as a habit so they will forever stay!

thanks for reading my blog(s)!

Penny