Life brings us a handful or more of mistakes that take our joy away on clouds of sentiment. As a young child we are told “no” A LOT because we are curious and want to touch everything! Yet, how do we understand what NO means? Well, the action that comes with the word “no” strengthens the meaning, right?
I looked in the mirror today and spoke…“please, tell me who am I supposed to be“. I walk around in this world fighting with the thoughts that float around like little song notes and hold true to the tone that alters my mood and causes so many different emotions. Like when you hear an old song, maybe your daddy or momma turned the radio on and dance with you. My father loved music and I think that is why I crave still today a certain stream of melody it just makes my soul complete. All these little things in our life that build us to be the person we are will carry over into the way we handle our business. So, back to figuring out just who am I supposed to be? I think that is the question many of us mull over in our forever rambling brains, but I think the question should be changed a bit as we grow to, “please, help me become the person I want to be!”
I did not always want to help people but for some reason I have this heart that aches to help others and no matter the place or situation I will reach out if I can. I started playing video games with my kids and it now has become a form of release and I enjoy gaming. The gaming industry has grown so much, and it has their own social networking in which I have met a lot of different people while playing video games. On a few occasions my counselor hat has come out and I’ve offered support and advice to many, however, for one individual I talked with him on a regular basis about his struggles with addiction and OCD. I did my best with what I had, and I failed. I was contacted by his mother of his recent passing, he took his own life. Even though I did not have a face to face conversation with this young man we spent many hours online playing video games and sharing. Should my reaction be any less just because the relationship was only verbal? There are so many people feeling lost and alone, looking in the mirror saying. “please, who do you want me to be, just tell me.” Because until I figure this stuff out, I’ll still be stuck in this outer layer of membrane that incase the pain deep within. The sorrow is real, but I’ve come to some conclusion about this very unique type of emotion. What really is sorrow? Loss of control possibly? I had no control over the choices that individual made, and even though we talked and shared did I really have any influence? No matter the answers to any of my forever questions I cannot allow this one moment to create a sorrow that might change my heart, right?
So, how do I tell my heart to not feel? And, how do I adjust my heart to my own feelings about myself? Do I distract my self with helping others to keep from thinking about the things I need to fix within myself? Have I become a co-dependent individual seeking out lost and lonely people to lend a hand because I don’t know how to answer the rambling in my head? What am I truly running from? Well let me tell you one thing I run from and that is reality, in its cold hard truth that crystallizes in your throat constricting your breath even as you cough and sputter to the surface. I want to look in the mirror and say with pride and authority “I help others, help their self because I am strong in my own world.” Now I just need to figure out how to build the strong confidence because hoping it into existence has never worked for me.
Even though I feel weak and sometimes defeated God gave me a promise in the word; “But they that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles.” [Isiah 40:31]
When I read these words, I see that my strength is found in the one who loves me for who I am, not who I think I need to be and when I come into agreement with His word it is then that I will find strength! Lord, I want my wings to be the eagle because I accept your renewing strength as I wait upon You! Thank you, Father, for calling me daughter and loving me as I am. I will never stop looking in the mirror and wondering who is that woman staring back but I know that she is precious in the eyes of God!
“The Lord God is my strength, my bravery. He will walk me through places of trouble and suffering.” [Habakkuk 3:19].
I can remain lost in my tortured state of mind or turn the reins over to the only one that can make sense of it all, God, and walk from that point in confidence found by His love, mercy, grace and reassurance because I will never be enough on my own and I receive this truth with open arms.
Today I am sad that a person I cared about found life so overwhelming he took a handful of pills and swallowed his life and all the pain as a final stand, the only one he felt would make a difference. Peace to you my friend and you did touch my life in the time we shared together. I will miss you.